One of the things I remember missing most about working with my theme park family is the smells. Every morning I was greeted by the smell of coffee, pop tarts in the toaster, maybe a wisp of marshmallow dust from someone's breakfast cereal, antibacterial spray, the familiar blend of roughly a hundred people's specific personal scents as they arrived in the morning.....but 5 days a week.... above all this....above the essence of our morning....above the uncertainty of the day...there was the strong smell of turkey bacon and pancake syrup. Above the spinning of life's weather-vane was our unwavering Alcurtis. That smell, for me at least, meant that I would laugh that day. That I would dance a little harder and enjoy it. That, at some point, he would look at me in the way that only he had and make me feel uncomfortable on the outside but leave me feeling just a little sexier than before. That I would most likely be forced to think about where I stand and why I stand there at some point; I would lose the discussion in the end, but I would also have a better understanding of my beliefs. (These beliefs could range anywhere from religion, to politics, to why we need revivals of musicals, to why we remake movies, to why the sky is blue(which in the end he could prove to you that it is, in fact, not blue))
Yesterday Alcurtis left us.
Yesterday I lost a brother to the ether.
Yesterday I saw hundreds of hearts break simultaneously.
Yesterday we celebrated and we mourned.
Today.... Today people keep asking me if I am okay. Today people keep asking me if I need anything. I have been unable to formulate an answer so those texts have gone unanswered. Until now.
No. I am not okay. I am pissed off. I am angry that Alcurtis felt he had to go through this alone. I am angry that the "I love you's" and calling him family didn't convey my willingness to take on any burden. I am angry that he wouldn't swallow his pride along with those pills rather than refusing the whole lot. I am angry that he put so much weight on Jen for the last year knowing she would honor his wishes and keep whatever she saw or might speculate private. I am angry he weighed her down even more when the truth came to light and he made her shoulder that secret alone, even shortly. I am angry because over the past year I have doubted my importance in my inner circle, only to find out that 2/5th of it was literally fighting for a life in secret. I am angry he placed his Tapestry thread in her hands and made her decide the length. I am angry that his family mistook the cage he was trapped in for their loved one. I am angry that he suffered 4 days longer than was necessary because they needed time. I am angry that I watched people I care about more than most in this world be sideswiped by this surprise, then find hope, then lose hope, and then say goodbye daily. I am angry that I am angry.
With all of that anger you would think that I wouldn't have room for any other emotions but somehow I do. I am sad. Almost unbearably so. Sad for all the reasons I am angry. Sad for a hundred more reasons that crop up around me when I linger too long. And happy. And proud. Oh so proud. And grateful. I have mountains of grateful in me right now. But what shadows all of that for me at this exact moment? The cage he left after he broke free of it. Now I know that it may seem insensitive to call it that but that is what my heart knows it was when I saw it. He was unable to move it and unable to leave it.
I was only in the room for maybe 15-20 seconds but when I close my eyes...that is what I see and have seen since that moment. When I stumbled into sleep last night I found myself back in that room looking at the cold, aged, jagged bars that held my brother a short time ago. I know that image will fade in time but this is about what I am feeling now...and a large part of me is feeling guilt. I should have spoken up sooner about forcing him to go to a doctor. I should have voiced my opinion to the family in regards to keeping him in his cage. I should have told him I loved him more. I shouldn't have allowed him to hide when I came over. For those things...I'm sorry Curtie.
But you don't have to worry about any of that.....
Because there is the painful happy truth....
Alcurtis is free....
And the smell of turkey bacon and pancake syrup just means...breakfast.
